Midnight ramblings

So I haven't posted here since september. before I even came to college. But I am going to avoid all the catch up what-has-been-going-on-in-my-life-and-how-much-fun-I've-been-having talk because its now after 2 in the morning and I've had a terrible day and now I'm depressed and need some where to vent.
So just ignore this post. its mainly just for me to look back in n a few months and remind myself how I was feeling.



I'm siting here listening to 'Tenuousness' by Andrew Bird after watching Crazy Stupid Love (good movie by the way, very funny, and enjoyable, even though I normally dislike happy-ending love stories(because I'm a cynical realist)) instead of getting ready for my finals week...

and I'm just sitting here depressed and thinking about my life and the choices I've made/will make, for not even the first time today. And I thought it would be better here. I've had so much fun the last few months here at college, keeping myself busy and surround myself with funny and like able people. But today man. today. I just can't stop thinking about how much I don't know where I want my life to go. Don't get me wrong, I love being film major and I have no intention of changing that anytime soon. but, I mean, I've been so depressed the last few years. I didn't even realize that I stopped smiling all the time. a few people have remarked how I don't seem as happy as I used to be, and people who haven't known me very long probably just assume this is is how I normally am. which I guess is true now. but at least I am happy, most days. I am content, most days. Because most days I can suck it up, and be OK. I the fucking queen of being OK. most days.

but not today. I was hoping the high from college and new surroundings and new people would last longer. But here I am the end of my first quarter and already depressed and angsty. uncontent with my life and how I spend my time. Uncontent with who I am.

my English class this year has been very big into debates and beliefs and talking about different ethical systems. At first class I liked it but then I began to not. mainly because of who I am. I don't like talking about what I believe. I like to remain neutral, keep my heart as far way from my sleeve as possible. but unfortunately after 4 months of this class and being forces into thinking about it, the part of my brain has woken back up after I spent the last 2 years trying to shut it up so I could get through days without being depressed. Because thinking makes me pretty god-damn depressed.

but non of that is what I was planning on talking about. oops.

what I had been thinking about was how i'd been thinking about my life and how I can't help but feel its going nowhere. while going somewhere.

Thoughts: lack of decision making is in itself a decision right?

because I am hate making decisions and am terrible at it. Which means my life tense to progress by what is easiest, by what happens when you wait to long to make up your mind.

basically, I'm sad because I feel like I am where I am because of my lack of ability to make to decisions and my lack of drive to do anything about it.

I've been waiting for over two years for some magical spark. adventure or SOMETHING. something to change who I am and give me the drive to do something. give me inspiration. give me courage to stand up for what I believe in. or even the courage to think about and find out what I believe.

but I am being to worry that it will never come. And if there is no magical spark or awakening change then the change must come from inside me.

and if that's the case. then I'm fucked. because I am just a robot with a dead battery.