Midnight ramblings

So I haven't posted here since september. before I even came to college. But I am going to avoid all the catch up what-has-been-going-on-in-my-life-and-how-much-fun-I've-been-having talk because its now after 2 in the morning and I've had a terrible day and now I'm depressed and need some where to vent.
So just ignore this post. its mainly just for me to look back in n a few months and remind myself how I was feeling.



I'm siting here listening to 'Tenuousness' by Andrew Bird after watching Crazy Stupid Love (good movie by the way, very funny, and enjoyable, even though I normally dislike happy-ending love stories(because I'm a cynical realist)) instead of getting ready for my finals week...

and I'm just sitting here depressed and thinking about my life and the choices I've made/will make, for not even the first time today. And I thought it would be better here. I've had so much fun the last few months here at college, keeping myself busy and surround myself with funny and like able people. But today man. today. I just can't stop thinking about how much I don't know where I want my life to go. Don't get me wrong, I love being film major and I have no intention of changing that anytime soon. but, I mean, I've been so depressed the last few years. I didn't even realize that I stopped smiling all the time. a few people have remarked how I don't seem as happy as I used to be, and people who haven't known me very long probably just assume this is is how I normally am. which I guess is true now. but at least I am happy, most days. I am content, most days. Because most days I can suck it up, and be OK. I the fucking queen of being OK. most days.

but not today. I was hoping the high from college and new surroundings and new people would last longer. But here I am the end of my first quarter and already depressed and angsty. uncontent with my life and how I spend my time. Uncontent with who I am.

my English class this year has been very big into debates and beliefs and talking about different ethical systems. At first class I liked it but then I began to not. mainly because of who I am. I don't like talking about what I believe. I like to remain neutral, keep my heart as far way from my sleeve as possible. but unfortunately after 4 months of this class and being forces into thinking about it, the part of my brain has woken back up after I spent the last 2 years trying to shut it up so I could get through days without being depressed. Because thinking makes me pretty god-damn depressed.

but non of that is what I was planning on talking about. oops.

what I had been thinking about was how i'd been thinking about my life and how I can't help but feel its going nowhere. while going somewhere.

Thoughts: lack of decision making is in itself a decision right?

because I am hate making decisions and am terrible at it. Which means my life tense to progress by what is easiest, by what happens when you wait to long to make up your mind.

basically, I'm sad because I feel like I am where I am because of my lack of ability to make to decisions and my lack of drive to do anything about it.

I've been waiting for over two years for some magical spark. adventure or SOMETHING. something to change who I am and give me the drive to do something. give me inspiration. give me courage to stand up for what I believe in. or even the courage to think about and find out what I believe.

but I am being to worry that it will never come. And if there is no magical spark or awakening change then the change must come from inside me.

and if that's the case. then I'm fucked. because I am just a robot with a dead battery.

Midnight sugar rush and Pottermore

Whats this? Blogging two days in a row? What is this madness?

Basically, my little sister left a bag of candy in my room today, and I just finished editing a vlog for the youtubes, and its almost one o'clock in the morning. SO IMMA BLOG NAO.

Today I went with my parents to some swanky shindig dinner to honor people who donate blood, because both me and my dad donate blood. (My mom can't but they let us bring guests) It was out at a winery/ranch that is really pretty. It was nice. But I was kinda bored because almost everyone there was old. But I got free food so WIN.

Hey look its a pottermore survey thing I found on the interwebs I think Imma do it.

1. What's your Pottermore username? StarAccio73

2.What House do you think it sounds like? I don't know, Ravenclaw probably ;)

3. What House do you want to be in? I'm already in and sorted. RAVENCLAW PRIDE Y'ALL. I"m so Ravenclawesome

hehe see what i did there

4. Does your username relate to you at all? It does. I feel pretty lucky to have been given a username I like. Accio is my favourite spell and I love stars. I used to star gaze all the time as a kid and I own lotsa star-charts. I'm pretty sure if I was at Hogwarts my highest grade would be astronomy

5. What kind of wand would you wish to get? As above, since I'm already in I have mine. Its Elm with Unicorn hair, 10 and 3/4 inches, hard.

6. Which day did you get into Pottermore? Day 1 YO!

7. What shape is your Patronus? A giraffe. or a narwale. but probably a giraffe.

8. What does your boggart look like? I don't know man. I'd actually really like to meat a boggart (yes I know they're not real but I can imagine) because I want to know what shape it would take. I don't really have a greatest fear. I've jokingly said the sorting hat not putting me in Ravenclaw. yea, Imma go with that.

9. Would you rather be an Animagus or a Matamorphmagus? thats a tough one, but I"ll go with Matamorphmagus. Tonks yo. also then I could change my hair every day.

10. If you were an Animagus, what animal would you be? I actually really don't know. Probably a dog or a cat. Or maybe sometime of bird so I could fly. yea a bird. flying is awesome.



Alright, I'm gonna go back to tumblr and my book.

night y'all

YO WATSUP

hows it going? I guess I haven't written a blog post since July 13. Since then so much has happened(and also so little) but I don't like writing about any of that. Who knows maybe I'll change my mind. but probably not. I've thought about stories that I would turn into post a lot, but I have never got around to them or just got to tired or apathetic when it came to actually writing. So I've decided to just skip the last two and a half months and just jump to NOW.

WARNING this blog is probably gonna be all over the place because its about 1 in the morning and I am very hyper. Have I mentioned my sleep schedule is completely whacked/nonexistent? Because it is.

So basically I'm finally getting around to blogging again because 1. I just decided I wanted to film a video, and then realized it was after midnight, and therefore not a good time to be talking to a camera. and 2. because I was told off earlier in the week for not blogging recently, which reminded me that some people actually do read this.

So I'm moving to college in a week. That's exciting. I've been busy packing and my room is all in disarray and I've taken my posters and pictures off the walls so there very bare and weird. I'm really excited and nervous but mostly excited. SEVEN DAYS YO.

STORY TIME! So today I went with my folks to Costco to buy food to take with me for my dorm so I don't always have to eat caf food. After we'd bought lots of ramen and some Nutella and some goldfish ect. we stopped by the food court to get some dinner. As we where sitting there eating at a table by the food court line two guys in UC Berkeley t shirts who had also been buying ramen got in line and bought food. After they left my mother informed me that they'd been checking me out. I hadn't noticed, as I only had eyes for my pizza...

It was delicious pizza.

Gosh I love pizza

and people wonder why I'm single.

I like to think of my self in a relation ship with Tumblr... and pizza.

ANYWAYS

STORY TIME PART DOS

Last Friday I started reading Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld, which I had heard lots of goof thing about but never actually read. OHMYGOODNESS THAT BOOK IS AMAZING. I finished it by Sunday and then yesterday I bought the Behemoth the second book in the trilogy, and it was amazing as well. I've already finished it... and I started it yesterday. Its got about 500 pages. that might be a new record. but I'm not sure. anyways back to the story. I finished it a little while ago and immediately went GIVEMEBOOKTHREERIGHTNOW I NEED IT! But I was pretty sure it wasn't out yet. So I went to the internet to find its release date. GUESS WHEN IT COMES OUT GUESS WHEN IT COMES OUT! Ok I'll tell you then. It comes out the 20th of September. That's next Tuesday. SEVEN DAYS BABY! Actually less than seven now. Its also the day before I leave for college-land. I WILL BE GETTING THAT BOOK ON RELEASE DAY.

I think I've just run out of things that I wanted to talk about. But I want to keep writing. Because now its after 1 in the morning. and I'm happy. I normally get all moody and angsty at night which is why I don't blog. But I'm in a good mood.

ooh I think I've become way to attached to tumblr. Because whenever I go to post something on facebook I always get really annoyed that I cant use gifs to express my feelings.HOW CAN I PROPERLY EXPRESS HOW I FEEL WITHOUT GIFS?!!

So I recently heard that CBS is planning on haveing a new TV show that is a modernization of Sherlock Holmes, because of the popularity of the RDJ movie(s).

WHAT. NO. WHY. WHY CBS? DO YOU NOT WATCH BBC? Oh wait that right of course you do, because that's how American tv networks get ideas for shows. They just remake brilliant British ones.
CBS I am warning you. DO not do this. It will flop. please. do not be stupid. Do not ruin the Sherlock Holmes fandom.

Also, you do realize that the the British show Sherlock is written my STEVEN MOFFET AND MARK GAITISS? no matter who you get as writers, they will not even compare.

And no matter who you get as actors, NO MATTER WHO YOU GET. No one, I repeat NO ONE be anywhere as good as Benedict Cumberbatch. He is Sherlock Holmes. YOU CANNOT BEAT HIM. And hes got Martin Freeman as John Watson. MARTIN FREEMAN. you know, Bilbo Baggins? Arthur Dent? John Watson? The two of them are phenomenal together.



okok rant over. *gets bowl of popcorn and goes to watch as the Sherlock fandom begins to tare apart CBS. You don't messes with the Sherlock fandom and Ben-addict Cumberbitches. It will not end pretty. Just be honest.



Man. Now I really want to go rewatch season one of Sherlock. that show is SO GREAT man. SO GREAT.

ooooh talking about Marin Freeman reminded me about the Hobbit. that movie is going to be amazing. I can't wait for it to come out. The little vlog-production videos that Peter Jackson have been doing are amazing and hilarious and awesome and I WANT THIS MOVIE HERE SO BAD. O.O


uh wow. that post was a lot longer than I expected it to be. I guess I should blog more huh?

College in a week kdsjhflkjdsfhlgkjds

Summer

So bloggity, whats up. how longs its been since I wrote here? Oh right a long time. oops. But Its summer! I've graduated, driven across the country to Michigan spent a few amazing days in Chicago, and flew back. Then continued to waste all my time by sitting on tumblr.

And also crying my eyes out while listening to wrock awaiting the Deathly Hallows part 2 midnight showing. Which is one day away. I keep singing 'Accio Deathly Hallows' by Hank Green, because I want that movie already.

I really wish I was in Orlando Florida at LeakyCon right now. REAAAALLLy bad.

I cant wait till tomorrow morning. I want to dance. AHHHrfdfdsfrytoutydtg

I'm currently listening to the soundtrack to A Very Potter Musical. I love teamstarkid so much.

Summer and Friends

So its summer now. has been for a few weeks. and some people may think I'm crazy for this but, I don't like summer. NOW WAIT. Before you get all "your crazy" on me. Let me tell you why. During the school year I am forced to do things. Which I hate yes, and I can't wait for summer to get here so I can do what I want. Here is the problem. There are many things I want to do, but since school got out, I've done practically nothing but sit in my room on the internet. Seriously, This is the first summer in the last 4 years that I haven't had a job and things to be at early every day. Also, being as I'm graduated now, I don't have sports conditioning to force me out of bed to go run. So I've been sitting unmotivated in my room, wasting away. Today, when I actually forced myself out of bed at 12:30 to go for a run, I only lasted like 4-5 minutes of running and I was back home in 20. Man, a year ago I would have run or over 20 minuets straight. And I don't like not doing anything productive, but I can't seam to stop. I haven't made a video in forever, and I can't get my self to even turn on my camera. and Writing? Soo not happening. I just can't think of anything to write down. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME? I haven't even read much lately. Whats up with that.

So as you can tell, I've been feeling very, bleh. In a few months I'm leaving for college, and So i'm stuck in a I-should-start-packing-or-cleaning-but-I-don't-want-to-start-just-yet-so-I'll-do-it-tomorrow kinda mood. I hate it I wish it was September already. I'm sick of all the people who I know who live near me. I'm ready for the next part of my life, but I'm stuck here, I know I should be using this time to help myself, but I just can't. I want to meet some knew people who actually to do things I like to do. I have a few people who I actually like, but I'm kinda just sick of everyone else right now. uggh.

And then like 3 hours ago I ended up being on facebook talking to three amazing friends of mine. 2 hours later we had almost 400 comments on a link I posted monday. So it should be said, I love my friends, I wish they where nearby so I could be all

man, why do people live so faaaaarrr.


Ok, I'm done for today. I'm gonna go force myself to sleep so I can wake up early, and GET THINGS DONE TOMORROW.

April the twenty fifth!

So I have about fifteen minuets to get this posted. LETS DO THIS. So basically long story short I didn't do much of anything today, well, except buy PORTAL 2! WHOOOO. I'm not much of a gamer, but portal equals less than three. I held off a week after it was released until I bought it, but I caved today. SO EXCITE. But I am exercising restraint until I get a through some school work and projects until I play.

Ahh, I keep getting distracted by Neil Gaiman and Ben Folds ect playing on live on youtube and partyontheinternet.com

great, I'm almost out of time. and I need to get some sleep so I can find excuses to play Portal 2 tomorrow.

So short post. sorry.

April the twenty fourth!

Happy Easter!

Today has been an exciting day, but its now almost done so I have to type fast. AHH.
I spend the better part of the day at a softball tournament down at a school about an hour away. My school didn't have enough girls sign up for softball this year, so we had a guys team and a co-ed team. It was brilliantly fun. AND I hit a home run. thats right a home run. Beautifully placed between the left and center fielders, and the had to turn around and run for it. Sooo awesome. I love softball. Its the sport that I have been playing the longest. The mitt I use I have had since I was in fourth grade. It only goes about two or three inches farther than my fingers, but I still use it every spring and summer. My freshman year I got a new mitt that was bigger, but I didn't like it much, and I ended up going back to my small one. It just feels right.

Alright, its late and I'm tired. Until tomorrow!