Thoughts

When you are growing up, everyone tells you you can be whatever you want. Thats a lie. I was always very focused on what I wanted to do when I "Grew Up" when I was little. In kindergarten I made a plan, and from then on I always had a detailed plan. That is until about two years ago. That was when I decided everything I thought I had wanted, I didn't want. And on top of that, I didn't know what I wanted. This now being the time in my life when I should be making important decision about it, and I was lost. I still don't know for sure, but I know what I would really like to do. I want to tell stories, I'm going to major in film when I head to college in the fall, I want to tell tales, have adventures, and make an impact on people lives, the way so many people have had in mine. When I am writing, or looking over things I have written, I often feel like I wont be good enough, my way with words and imagination wont be enough, because even though I have read SO much, and done so many things though movies and books, that were so real to me, I have rarely "lived." Very seldom have I done something simply because I wanted to, or simply live in the moment. So much of what I do is always pushing for the future. And I'm sick of it. I have been for a while. I wake up, I go to school, I came home, I do homework, I go to bed, with very few changes. Some times I wonder why I bother. I wish I could just stop, I feel like I am waiting for my self out in the world, just out there waiting for me to find myself, but I can't leave yet, I have to stay. And it hurts, he hurts so bad that on some days it makes me sick. I may not fully know who I am, but I now I am a traveler. I have sea legs, and strong ones. I feel like I need to keep moving , keep moving, keep moving, but I've been harnessed, trapped, and I can't move. Frank Turner is an amazing musician, and I hear myself in almost all of his songs, but most especially, "the road" a part of it goes "ever since a small child I've been scared I've been afraid, of being trapped by circumstance by staying in one place, so I always keep a small bag full of clothes carefully stored, somewhere secret some where safe and somewhere close to the door. To the east, to the east, the road beneath my feet, to the west to the wast, I haven't got there yet, and to the north to the north, theres no time for you to waste, to the south to the south, my time is running out." I can pack a bag with everything I need for at least a week in under 10 minuets. It seams that the meaning of life is to go to school, get good grades, so you can get into a good college, so you can get a good job, so you can make money, so you can send you kids to college. Does the cycle never end? and I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't see the point. When they tell you you can be anything you want when you grow up, It is a lie. Because as much as I want to, I could never be like Frank Turner or Greg Holden. There is no way for me to be an English-raised punk-rocky folk singer. I was raised in California, and I'm a girl. I'm to young to drink, and if I where to just leave and hit the road I'd be looked down upon.



We now return to our regular scheduled programming...
I like days like today. Today was very productive, I cleaned my room, edited/uploaded a video, and started a writing new song, and played my guitar for a few hours. Now I'm writing. I FEEL LIKE A CREATIVE STORM. The weather today was AMAZING! I had a really good day yesterday to! I wonder if I'm lucky enough to make it a three day streak....

In the 6 days now remaining before I leave for the east, I am wanting to blog everyday, as a kinda warm up for BEDA. So if I forget, or if I get lazy, cause some trouble.


last song played on i-pod = I don't remember, but it was by Greg Holden.
Quote of the day - "I don't know who she is anymore, or who she was, but I need to find her" - Paper Towns by John Green.*

*ok no lie, I just reached over and pulled a book off my shelf, open'd it up and that was the first sentence I read. spooky.